The Who-I-Need-to-@™ (Intern)

As uploaded by the unpaid intern who “accidentally” guessed the founder’s password (it’s literally “password”).

I’ve been stuck in the Pen Envy “global HQ,” which is just his garage with a whiteboard and some ambition fumes. His cubicle sits one foot higher than mine. Cinder blocks. Literal elevation. I guess that’s what visionary leadership looks like now.

The walls are covered in motivational posters that smell like dollar-store optimism. A kitten hanging from a clothesline with “Teamwork Makes the Team Work.” A framed photo of his pet raccoon next to the quote: “If you’re not stealing attention, you’re losing it.” That’s the vibe.

Anyway. The Who-I-Need-to-@ Pen™?

Yeah. That was my idea.

It started as a joke. A cheap pen that lights up near anyone worth sucking up to. Secret Santa gag. Funny, right?

He called it “visionary.” Added words like “tactical” and “human-centered” and turned it into his crown jewel.

Now it ships with:

• Automated Clout Lock — finds the biggest doucheburger in the room.

• Preloaded Humblebrag Library — 1,000+ ways to make yourself look generous while name-dropping a VC.

• Proximity Credit Mode™ — lets you casually imply you launched a startup because you once passed someone a napkin.

  “So proud of the team at GristleIQ for getting into OnRamp! Wild to think it started after I helped them structure their onboarding doc over coffee…”

He thinks it’s genius. And honestly? It is kind of working. Which is the most depressing part.

I regret @’ing him. I regret ever mentioning the idea. And I definitely regret saying “you should touch grass,” because that’s how the VerdantPoint™ happened.

This page is my confession. If it disappears, he found it. And made it into merch.